Breastfeeding

I had just assumed this would come naturally, but it sure hasn't. I read that there is a "breastfeeding high" that nursing mothers get because their bodies release oxytocin when their babies are feeding . So far I've mostly experienced pain. It seems Benjamin is crying to be fed, or I'm crying because he's feeding. I'm not sure what I'm doing that's causing all the pain - if he's still not taking in enough of the breast, if he's just positioned wrong, or if he's just a little barracuda with jaws of steel! Perhaps it's a combination of all three. I'm sure we'll get it worked out eventually. In the meantime here's something funny that I identified with - particularly number 7! (I did not write this and I have no idea who the original author is.)

How to prepare for nursing:

If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here’s what to do.

Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.

Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing “I Feel Pretty.”

Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on “medium pile.” Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6: Obtain “DO NOT CROSS” tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, “Get used to it.”

Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a nursing bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the flap with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, “Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she’ll sleep right through the night.” Play in an endless loop at 1 A.M., 3 A.M., and 5 A.M.

Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11: Go someplace public-a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll’s arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.